K-E-Y, Why? Because You're Shameless

I am somewhat relieved to have done something proactive, however lame.

Lars does some really moronic things, but he is streety and slippery like your basic petty thief which makes him hard to predict. Sometimes he'll do something completely ridiculous, and sometimes he will be 10 steps ahead of you in his scheming. His Achilles heel, however, is his hubris. Lars in his heart of hearts, truly and fervently believes he is smarter than everyone, and can effortlessly outsmart, outmaneuver and outclass every opponent. And despite having been married to me for 15 years, thinks I am among his easiest foes. Send in the scab team, this is a hands-down-one-hand-tied-behind-your-back-bag-over-your-head win, for sure.

Really? Were you never paying attention?

I am anxious to hear his reply. The first shot fired in what will surely be an ugly little mud slinging battle of sharply worded insulting point-counterpoint emails that eventually get forwarded to his lawyer's email address, as if she cares about any of this. Unless he is holding out his checkbook, she doesn't care if I scratch his eyes out on Broad Street. Hasn't he figured that out?

But I hear nothing. For an entire day. I am in a flop sweat. Could he be employing one of my favorite war tactics? To simply not engage? Did someone write a book "How to Spar with Your Very Talented Ex-Wife of Superior Intellectual Agility and Win?" Crap.

That evening when the kids and I are having dinner, I toss out a benign question designed to gather intel. "So, have you heard from Daddy today? How is Bailey doing with the dog trainer and the Let's Not Incessantly Bark at Strangers training?"

Hil starts immediately gesturing with a forkful of Garlic Chicken while she is still chewing. She is evidently rather excited to share. Jackpot!

"The trainer isn't coming this week. Daddy is away. He's at the beach taking classes. Somewhere. I don't know where. Near a beach."

That explains it. Phones off in class, people! Pay attention to the How to Read a Pap Smear presentation and don't dare be caught checking your Facebook account! He hasn't gotten the email yet. Not gotten it or hasn't figured out a response that won't overcommit or reveal too much.

It's a tricky response to formulate when you are Lars, because he knows that I know he has something to hide.