Do Your Ears Hang Low

Claire's Boutique - the fakey, faux furry, plasticky, turn your fingers greeny capital of the world.
Every eleven year old's dream.

Hil is pie-eyed as we walk in taking in all the possible ways to spend a pile of money. She is also terrified.

I assure her that I will hold her hand and that the girls will do both ears at one time so she only has to wince once. She is nearly hyperventilating.

We go to the register and tell the young man there that we'd like to have Hil's ears pierced. He seems a little reluctant. He is the only one there. Brittni has gone on break. Presumably to Orange Julius, not Cartier. He's going to have to do the piercing himself.

But from the looks of him, he's no stranger to piercing. Has a few himself...ears, eyebrow, you know. He also has the name "Ashely" tattooed in script on his neck just above his collar. His name is Bryan. None of this is making sense.

Except that he is totally cool with Hil and taking her methodically through the steps. These are the papers where Mommy signs a statement that even if your ears get gangrene and wither and fall off in little crusty pieces, we are not responsible...Here is the selection of studs we can put in your ear lobes. Ignore this section; these are for your navel and these ones are more for guys. Helps her climb into the very high chair (from which it would be tricky to escape at the last minute) and tells her that he is going to clean her earlobes with something cold.

As he's drawing the dots on her ears with a pen to mark exactly where The Thing will go, I am trying to recall my experience. Oddly I don't remember anything at all except the big metal thing that shot the earring into my lobe at the speed of light and made a horrible staple gun sound. Can't recall who was there or the name of the place or anything...all of it overshadowed by the prior attempt at piercing, done by my mother in our kitchen, in front of two of my friends, one of which nearly fainted when my mother got the sewing needle stuck half way through my uncommonly chubby earlobe and had to stop.

It is then that I realize that since Bryan is flying solo, he will have to do Hil's ears one at a time. In a panic I am rifling through the pile of papers I signed to see what recourse we have if Hil flakes after one ear. Can I come back and get one done for free later? Do I have to buy both earrings now? Can they take out the one real quick before a permanent hole forms?

Now I'm nervous.

I ask Patrick to take my my phone from my bag and mouth to him to get a picture when The Deed happens. I do not have a free hand. Both of mine have been grabbed and twisted in Hil's. Bryan is about to draw first blood and Hil is freaking out ever so subtly. Bryan has the patience of a saint and very quietly tells her that all the girls get one ear done and can't believe how easy it is and don't even hold anyone's hand for the second. Easy Peasy lemon squeasy. (He doesn't actually say that...)

I am recalling the meningitis vaccine scene this spring at the pediatrician's office. Don't bet your paycheck on this, Bryan.

Hil is wild-eyed. Pat is holding my smartphone up ready to snap a photo. Hil yells at him not to take her picture. He claims he's playing Doodlejump. She says she can see the screen of my phone in the mirrored pillar behind him. Damn, she's good.

I move to one side under the pretense of giving Bryan more room. I ask Patrick to come to the other side to be similarly out from under foot.

Patrick gets it. He knows he is to pretend to play a game I just pretended to find for him, and get a shot at just the right moment.

Hil closes her eyes and wrings my hands. There is a crunching mechanical sounds and then...nothing.

The earring is in, and Hil has survived. She is visibly relieved at how easy it was, just as Bryan had promised. Bryan does the other ear without fanfare and Pat proudly shows me his photo.

Hil is too ecstatic to care that Pat took a picture. She is down from the big chair and racing through the store placing all manner of earrings in a little mesh basket to the tune of $77.00 including the free piercing, studs and bottle of earlobe cleaning solution.

Hil has placed her dainty little feet on the road less traveled and is beaming in bedazzled glory. A far finer retail experience than the one I'd just had at Cartier.