Food! Glorious Food!

Later that week, I decide to go to the mall, a different one, with Patrick while Hil is at some inconveniently planned late afternoon midweek birthday party in another town 30 minutes away. (Note to stay at home mothers: Just because it is summer and the kids are off does not mean that all of us have gone on hiatus. I still have to drive home from work, fetch the kids from camp and trek to East Jeezus to get to your kids Putt-Putt gig just like I would in the middle of winter).

I have wrapping paper and greeting cards and all manner of nonsense to check off my list at this other mall. But first, Pat and I are going to enjoy a little contraband mall food.

We walk in the entrance nearest the Chinese place that always smells delightfully of egg rolls and bee-line to the door. There is a sandwich board menu outside and Pat and I are planning what each of us will get and what we'll share. Wonton soup, a couple of egg rolls, General Tsao's Chicken for me and Chicken and Broccoli for him. Skip the chopsticks, bring on the fork, knife and spoon. I don't have the dexterity to eat fast enough with chop sticks to prevent starvation tonight.

We go to the counter (this is the mall, no table service) and the lady comes out. I smile and cheerfully place our order. She shakes her head and says, "No!No!"

WTF? "No no" as in "what you ordered sucks and we suggest something else?"

I say "Pardon me?"

She opens the lid on her side of the buffet to reveal simply warm trays of water (My friend Joy would call it "a facial.") and looks at me to ensure I understand.

"You have no food?" This is the mall, and it is 6 pm on a Wednesday. I am sure I am in The Outer Limits.

"No, no!" (Here we go again) "Have food."

"OK then I'd like Wonton soup, a couple of egg rolls, General Tsao's Chicken and Chicken and Broccoli please."

"No, have sweet and sour pork instead."

I don't want sweet and sour pork. I don't want sweet and sour anything. I want Wonton soup, a couple of egg rolls, General Tsao's Chicken and Chicken and Broccoli.

She points to the pink congealing sweet and sour pork and smiles. "That what we have."

And I say "So you really don't have any food unless you are in the mood for sweet and sour pork?" And then add, "Nevermind, we'll eat somewhere else." We turn to leave and I stop to make one more remark. "You do realize that it is beyond my comprehension that your doors can remain open, in a mall, at dinner time, when all you have is that little pan of yuck and nothing else that your menu outside advertises, however falsely, don't' you?"

She takes her big spoon and walks away. I look at the only other patron, who evidently was in the mood for sweet and sour pork and she shrugs. Pat and I walk out.

Our choices in this neck of the mall and with what time remains before I have to retrieve Hil, are a cheese steak place with no seating and a pizza place with a few random salad and pasta items.