Whatever Lies Behind Doors Number 1, 2, and 3

And there are moments of weakness.

Like when I am sitting at home in my pink leopard print pajamas eating Oreo Cookie ice cream and watching The Way We Were.  A classic that strikes every heartbroken, hopelessly romantic note a girl's heart beats in time with. When Katie and Hubbell embrace at the end of the film, there is so much unspoken emotion. Superior acting. You'd have to be nearly dead not to feel it. The love. The regret. The hopelessness. The electricity between them. Redford and Streisand totally nailed it. Every person in the theatre in 1973 knew exactly what they were each thinking at that moment about the way they were.

It doesn't help that that was the song Scott played in a beautiful trumpet solo in in high school. 

The whole thing sends me swirling in a blender filled with high school desperation and rabid attraction and the madness of loving having loved someone you will never be with again.

So long as I have not answered Scott's text, I can imagine a million possibilities. Like when a relationship is starting. Or starting over. There are choices to make and paths to choose.  And I wonder about the ends of the stories.  Wander down the roads not yet taken and imagine what would happen. I'd say this, he'd write that, someone might call. I diagram the whole thing out in my head. Sometimes it's how I get to sleep. Sometimes it's the thing that keeps me awake. It is a no win situation.

And so, I keep all of those possibilities alive until I am sure.

I think I am but my mettle has not been tested. I think I am sure I do not want to start a relationship of any kind with Scott.

I think I am sure that I am strong enough to resist any wooing he might do. If that's what he'd do if I opened the door. I think I am strong enough to hear what he'd have to say about what led to his leaving. I think I could dig in and stay where I am without backsliding into the pile of mush I'd been just a few weeks ago.

It helps that I have someone new to think about.

That is another situation with possibilities and paths to choose. All new and hard to predict. We barely know each other. So there are lots of possibilities for fun and for love and new experiences. And being hurt and being disappointed and being cheated on and being misled and being duped. (Since we've already established that I am not a great judge of men.)

I am at a crossroads. And I am standing completely frozen in place.