What to Do, What to Do Part 2

But there is something unfinished and nagging about just leaving the text unanswered.  Like leaving the silverware drawer open an inch.  Or the broom closet. Or the garage door. Or the toilet seat. It just isn't natural!

But I am not at all sure what to say. If there is anything to say. If there is a single syllable worth saying.

On one hand I could never say it all. And I certainly don't want to go prattling on an on with no end in sight like some lunatic on the tattered, fringed edges of what remains of my sanity, a la the jilted Mrs. Havisham sitting around in her decaying wedding dress.

Whatever it is that I decide to say, it will be too little and too much all at once.

But every so often, when I am awake in the middle of the night, or stuck in traffic, or hear a song that reminds me of him, I nearly pull out my phone and send him a reply that hits its mark.

But I don't send anything. Sometimes I type them in a note on my phone, and promise myself not to send it for one full day. Sometimes I decide that I've had a cocktail or two and no one should send a message of import or risk wrecking their life with an irreversible Texting Under the Influence violation. 

And there are times when I think, "F*** closure and the horse it rode in on. Scott didn't feel the need to close anything when he refused to reply to texts or calls or emails as I desperately clung to the few remaining shreds of our relationship as I watched it circle the drain and be gone forever. Let him sit and wonder what I'm thinking."

And that's what I do.

Until I think that he probably is too arrogant to think that I am simply not responding. Of course I'd respond. I have always responded. Always forgiven. Always accepted an invitation to talk. Always let him off the hook. Always opened my heart.  He probably thinks I blocked him on my phone. Or didn't get the text at all. I am sure he's convinced himself of that.

So eventually, I need to find something to say. Something I can live with. Something that says the most important, succinct thing I need to say. Something that says, I got your message and I do not really want any more. Something.