Lonely Days and Lonely Nights

I will myself to sleep, though it is much harder now without the soothing security that knowing someone loves you brings.  No one to pull you close after you've had a bad dream. No one on the end of the phone when you are vulnerable and feeling small. No one to look forward to greeting with a kiss and warm embrace. All that replaced by an unsettling sense of solitude.

I manage to dress and groom in the morning. There is an emptiness to it now that there is not the remotest possibility that I'll see Scott at work like I often would. But still, I churn out the hype with the outfit and apply makeup.  Maybe I'll bump into the next Temporary Mr. Right on an elevator.  May as well try not to advertise my new-found hag-dom.

I plod through the day. I am grateful for consuming but not too taxing work. Anything complicated would surely cause me to short circuit.

But still, throughout the day, thoughts of Scott creep in in the moments where there is a lull in the usual chaos.

How could he do this to me?  How could he just so casually throw it all away?  Good luck finding another relationship like this. We don't fight. We don't get on each other's nerves. We like to do the same things. We enjoy each other's company. We laugh. We balance each other. We complement each other. There is no tension. No bullshit.  And we have a noteworthy love life.

At least we did.

And that will be hard to duplicate. If he's looking for the next relationship.

I wonder about that. The thought of him being cute and adoring and flirty with someone else quite literally makes my stomach churn. Goodbye to the next five pounds.

But maybe in his crisis he is really just trying to unburden himself of all of his obligations. And counted me among them.  We had talked about a ring at Christmas.  Was that expecting too much?

Would it have been expecting too much for him to simply explain to me that he is overwhelmed by life and share his burdens with me? Did we have to go to extremes?  Did it have to be so absolute? So final? So abrupt? So cruel?

I think about these things all the way home in the car. My evening stretches on endlessly in front of me. None of the normal Scott routines apply anymore. It is a blank slate. I'll have to figure out what to do with all the time. I am completely off my game. Caught off guard.  A woman without a plan.

I walk into the house and go immediately to my laptop.

I need to write. If only for me.