If I Had Known, A Poem

If I had known that the last time I would see you, the last time I would touch you, was as we said goodbye at my car before the storm, I would have taken a moment to soak it in. To soak you in.

I would have studied your face in the sunlight; taken one last look at the blueness of your eyes. The angle of your jaw. Your perfect nose. I would have kissed you a little longer.

I would have memorized the way your arms felt around me as you hugged me one last time and put your face in my hair. I would have lingered a little longer there in your embrace.

If I had known it was the last time I'd hold your hands, I would have held them longer, pressing into memory the way they feel holding mine --- so much bigger, so much stronger.

If I had known it was the last time I'd be near enough to touch you, I would have touched you at every chance.
When you leaned across me in the car to touch the kitten in her crate on the passenger seat, I would have breathed in your scent. Breathed it in and committed it to memory.
I would have touched your hair. Kissed your neck. I would have held your face in my hands and kissed it one last time.

If I had known that the last time I would hear your voice was on that routine, casual, everyday phone call on the way home from work, I would have made it more meaningful.
When you said goodbye with your usual "Call me a little later, love you, bye!" I would not have said, "Will do, love you, bye!"
I would have made my last words to you mean something for ever after.
I would have used your name. I would have said, "Of course I will. I love you with all my heart, Scott."
Those are the words of Ever After.

If I had known that after all this time you would leave me without a word and hurt me more than any words you could say could ever pierce my heart, I would have given my heart less fully.

No, I would not have.