Christmas Cheer from the Most Unexpected Places

Sunday morning and a head full of snot. How nice. More Alka-Seltzer please.  I have plans with the girls. No time to be sick. 

I spend the day finishing wrapping the gifts I've brought into the house, ordering more on line and attempting to assemble an outfit for the evening. I've lost so much weight that even the pants I bought two days ago are feeling loose. They'd fit so well. Now I look like I have a load in my pants instead of looking bootylicious like I'd been shooting for.

The radio stations have already begun the constant, endless 24 hour playing of Christmas carols. I am not sure who composes the play lists, but it's been 3 days and I want to blow my brains out.

Dominic the Donkey?  Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?  I'm Gettin' Nothin' for Christmas?  Seriously?  Hello, not doing squah-tah for my Christmas spirit!And in fact, making it seem a little more anemic than I'd hoped.

After hearing 17 different and equally grating versions of "Last Christmas I Gave You My Heart"  I come unhinged and take to Facebook.

"If I have to listen to one more artist whine about how last Christmas they gave their heart to some undeserving louse I may come unglued."

And the fun begins.

One girlfriend writes, "I hear you! What makes me come completely unglued are those cheesy Kay Jewelers commercials. Do they play them in the East? So annoying!"

And I write, "They do!  The ones about every effin' kiss beginning with Kay! Kay's a slutty little trollop if you ask me!"

One girlfriend laments about the car commercials where the dewy eyed housewife is presented with a luxury sports car with a big red ribbon on it. So clueless she didn't see it pulling into the driveway?

Another girlfriend posts a YouTube satire of those commercials wherein the housewife is at first complaining about the cheap earrings the husband gave her and quickly turns into a dewy eyed housewife when she sees the car with the ribbon on it. She joyfully gets in to take the new car for a spin and it explodes at the end of the block.  It ends with the song about last Christmas giving away your heart, incredulously. We are all commenting.

And then Christopher wryly comments, "Hey, do any of you ladies know a good jewelry store?"

And I fire back "Tiffany. Kay's a dirty ho."

And the games have truly begun. I am beginning to think that I might actually survive this Christmas season.