A Carboholic Intervention, Please

So I got back on the proverbial bike and spent another two weeks eating weird food, missing all things crunchy and craving dinner rolls. The good news was that there was no moratorium on high fat foods. So long as there were no carbs involved, it was on the Approved list. Cheese. Bacon. Eggs. Pastrami. Just so long as I didn't put any of it between two slices of bread.

And eventually it all paid off. My shiny new scale proved tried and true. I lost the additional phantom 10 pounds. I whittled myself down from a size eight to a size four. And I got into a groove about finding things I could eat from a restaurant menu, on the Boardwalk at the beach and at parties. I could do this for the rest of my life without announcing to everyone that I AM ON A DIET.

The good news was that I felt like a powerhouse. You never know how lousy lots of sugar or other carbs make you feel until you reduce their predominance in your diet. Then when you eat that birthday cake you feel like you spent the day before drinking irresponsible amounts of tequila. Not eating the cakes and the cookies, and the pasta and the soft pretzels and the hoagies is a nice relief from the leaden, bloated, sickening feeling one gets from over indulging. The trade off is I can eat thousands of calories of low carb foods - literally stuff myself with them - and feel like Olive Oyl in the morning. It is the perfect diet for people with no self control or will power.

And you can drink.

OK you can't drink everything. You have to drink low carb beers (So forget those dark chewy delicious Belgians. They are way out of bounds.) But so long as there is no sugary mixer (God bless the inventor of such things as diet tonic, sugar free lemonade, and caffeine free Diet Coke). I can enjoy a no carb Gin and Tonic, a guilt free Lynchburg Lemonade (also known as a Jack Rabbit Slim for those of you up on your Skinny Girl Cocktails) or a Rum and Coke that won't keep me awake until Tuesday. All while remaining on my Very Effective Diet.

It is a perfect perfect thing. The best part of all was that after I slimmed myself down to a fabulous new size and shape, Kate disclosed that the diet she had recommended was not an actual diet. She may have gotten the numbers wrong. Five grams of carbs is a little extreme. I let her live - but only because we both looked fabulous and there is nothing better than both of you looking fabulous.

So why now, when I had once dropped to an alarming size zero with a disturbingly boney appearance during my Marital Discord Diet, and then rebounded to a fabulous size 2, and have remained there despite my gain of 4 pounds of Christmas Cookie Fat, why am I finding it so difficult to stay on strict low carb diet when it is so important to me that I do????