Achey Breaky Eardrum

I believe that at the moment I heard my mother's sing songy voice (when moments ago she would like me to believe she'd been moved to tears) was the precise moment that I parted company with my sense of sanity.

My reply to the melodious "Hello" was a barking command. "First of all, don't call me at work with these ridiculous boo hooing messages. I am too busy for that crap!"

Not my finest moment of diplomacy, for sure.

But Mom's response confirmed everything. The crying was fake. The sentiment was fake. The sweet "hello" was fake. She went from sing-songy to gnashing in a split second. Not that I blame her. I sort of set her up for that. But what is hilarious is the fact that she switched gears on the dime. It was where she expected to be. Perhaps where she'd been all along. She'd expected a fight and had trained for it. But so had I. 40 plus years of dealing with Mom is the best boot camp money can buy.

She screeches, in a voice that could peel paint, that I am nothing but a cold hearted bitch, and while she tries to continue you, I snark in an equally loud but more sarcastic than caustic voice,"Why???? Because I didn't kiss your weirdo husband on the mouth?"

I am not sure she heard me over all of her outrageous ranting but it felt good to say it. And while she continued to name call and scream in a frequency that doesn't transmit well on a cell phone, I yelled, "Don't ever call me about this again, I don't care what you think," and promptly disconnected the call, again, without the satisfaction of slamming. (Note to self: Develop and sell ringtones that one can buy to note that a call has been disconnected. Possible "tones" shall include breaking glass, flying bowling pins, car crashes, air horns, and blunt force impact noises of all kinds, e.g. clunking human heads.)

I am shaking. I text Charlotte. "just had words with mom"
I am too shaky to bother with capitalization or punctuation.

My phone buzzes to life, ringing in my hand. I think it is Charlotte.

Incredulously, it is my mother calling back.

I pick up and immediately she is ranting. I do not comprehend a single syllable, and instead yell, hopefully over the voice that causes seismic shifts deep in the Earth's crust, "ARE YOU LOOKING FOR ANOTHER LETTER??????!!!!!!" and promptly hang up.

And with that, I grab my notebook and stride out the door for some fresh air - hoping to clear my head en route to my next meeting.