The War on Carbs

The war on carbs is no small undertaking. For someone like me, something as simple as breakfast is a challenge. And by “someone like me,” I mean “someone who does not have the time to boil or poach an egg every day while trying to get showered and dressed and make it to work on time with two children attached to me." And anything else is loaded with carbs. It is the Devil’s Bargain.

But what is far worse than the availability of foods that are easy to grab and go with that won’t send you into deficit spending on the carb count, is the alarming lack of anything satisfyingly crunchy on the carb-less list. Eggs. Cheese. Meat. Mush. Moosh. Mash.

Yuck.

By day two I am dying for something with a healthy resistance to my teeth and a satisfying crunch when I bite it. The closest thing I can come to that is bacon.

Not that I was going to complain. Any diet that allows you to eat bacon is miles ahead of any other in my book. But after a while, I found my approach to food a little disconcerting.

First, I lay claim to the biggest steak, the largest chicken breast, the last hot dog, and all the lunch meat. Lars would look at me like I was insane when I’d serve dinner and I would have the Fred Flintstone sized steak to his dainty portion. I’d use the excuse that his plate was also filled with mashed potatoes, and point to the gaping vacant space on my plate where the mashed potatoes might have been in a past life.

Next, I went nuts for nuts. As snack foods go they are a little expensive, but they are low in carbs and if I could control myself and not eat an entire pound bag, they were satisfying and crunchy. I would make semi-weekly trips to my local nut store for 2 pound bags of unsalted mixed nuts. I am sure the owner was ready to call the authorities to report my erratic behavior.

Most alarmingly, I craved soda. I never drink soda. Haven’t had a regular soda habit since college when every day began with a Diet Coke on the way to class. But suddenly without any sugar sources, the lure of Diet Cherry Vanilla Coke became a force to be reckoned with. I drank two a day.

I discovered that heavy cream, the Devil in White for most dieters, has very few carbs. I used it to cook. I used it in coffee. I used it in Sugar-Free Instant Chocolate Pudding to make it through the night.

I ate like a horse. When you don’t have to pay attention to fat grams but only need to be vigilant about carb grams, snacking can be very satisfying. If I got hungry at 10 pm, a few slices of bacon and a couple of pieces of cheese did the trick. And I’d still wake up the next day feeling like a stick figure.

The end of the first bizarre week came and I stepped on the scale. I’d lost 7 pounds. It had been torture, but it had begun to pay off. Seven pounds in seven days? I was on my way! I could do this for three more days….Couldn’t I?