A Kiss is Just a Kiss

My phone rings moments later. It is Charlotte, of course. Time for the post-game show.

I am sure she is loathe to tell me all the hateful things Bill has had to say about me, so I invite her to tell me. Open the door. "So Bill is still mad at me for telling you how badly they behaved at the cottage two summers ago, eh?"

"Well, yes, there is that..."

"Oh Geez. What else did I do? I thought I was doing a darn good job remaining pleasantly neutral. I didn't bristle at the rude political jokes or shame anyone for the racial comments. Did I make a face that gave me away? Yawn during the photo slide show? Did they figure out that I can't stand being stuck talking to them? What did I get busted for?"

What comes out of her mouth is completely unexpected. Getting busted for not holding back a face that screams "What an asshole remark!" is something I am used to. My apparent social sins from yesterday were entirely off my guilt radar.

"Bill suspects that you are no more on peaceful terms with them than they are with you. And do you know how he thinks he knows this?"

I am baffled. (Jeopardy tune playing loudly in my head now.) Did I stage whisper something catty and get caught?

Bill, evidently fancies himself a body language expert.

Charlotte says, to my ever lasting horror, "Bill says that when he went to kiss you hello, you turned your head so he had to kiss your cheek."

Oh.
My.
God.

I am completely grossed out and completely amazed at the stupidity of his assumption.

"What???? He did not really say that to you!"

"Yes. Yes he did."

Scott is looking at me in anticipation. "Oh I can't wait to hear this!"

"So what he means to say is, that the warmth and familiarity of the greeting kiss is his litmus test for how warm and fuzzy I'm feeling about the two of them?"

Maybe that works at the end of a first date, but really? With your parents' holiday visit?

Charlotte is amazed as well. "Yep. You heard it here first. That is his big tip off. That's how Sherlock Holmes knows things aren't quite right yet."

Let me see if I can interpret how he grades the test. A kiss on the cheek means the jury is still out and I'm still a little tentative. A kiss successfully planted on my mouth would have meant things were hunky dory? And I suppose if I were really on solid terms I'd have let him goose me? Is that accurate to say?

I am completely wigging. And grossed out. Is he really that stupid? Under the best of circumstances I would not let him kiss my lips. Even if I thought he was the world's greatest step father. It is just not something I am comfortable with. Gross.

"Oh and make no mistake," Charlotte continues. "He hasn't let you off the hook either. So don't think you are the only one not feeling all gooey inside."

Oh good. There's more.