Carbs Are Not My Friend

Do you have any idea how hard it is to limit your carb intake to five grams or less? Do you? Everything is just oozing with carbs! It is not just a matter torturing yourself by eliminating such staples as bread and pasta and rice (and Froot Loops, and Yodels and soft pretzels and Pop Tarts) from your diet! Nooooo! It is so much more than that! You can't even eat foods that are traditionally NOT prohibited while you are dieting. Things that aren't even all that fun or satisfying to begin with! Like granola (bird food) and yogurt (baby food) and prunes (old people food).

But a few years ago, when I was still clinging to the last 10 pounds of pregnancy fat, a blubbery layer of flub that stretched from clavicle to hip bone but avoided my arms and legs, giving me the appearance of a potato with toothpicks strategically inserted in it, I attended one of Kate's boys' baptisms. And at the party afterwards, I remarked to Kate that she looked fabulous.

And she did. She was slim and trim and her clothes did not take on the appearance of casing on sausage like mine had a tendency to do. I asked what she had done and prayed that she didn't say "I run 10 miles everyday and walk to work." I'd have to put down my cake and strangle her for that.

No, she said she did the Atkins Diet.(Atkins? Atkins who? I don't diet per se, but understand that I have been on a diet of my own design for nearly 30 years.) Then she corrected herself and said she followed a modified Atkins Diet. (Ok so it is modified. It still means nothing to me. What does Atkins eat and what did you change the menu to?)

She said simply that she limited her carb intake to under 5 grams of carbs. She referenced our friend who lost scads of weight on the Zone Diet and said it was like that only better.

OK. What's a carb?

I was not an experienced carb, calorie or fat gram counter, but Kate explained the rules of the road and where to look for hidden carbs. Stick to things with labels so there is no guessing. Work hard. I'd see results. She'd lost 10 pounds in a week.

Now THOSE are results worth torturing yourself for.

I figured I had about 10 pounds to lose, judging from the flab. I stepped on the scale on Monday and then placed my feet on the path to svelteness. I was a size 8. I can do anything for a week.I was anxious to see where this would take me.

Where it took me was to obsession with label reading and menu-fixing and a burning desire to eat something crunchy.

I decided that that Monday was a good time to start for two reasons. One, I was not about to weigh THIS much THAT much longer. And two, I worked in a small office with only two other people. Two other people that were always baking something and bringing it in. Or ordering a pizza and offering the remaining 6 slices to the rest of us. Or stopping for doughnuts to bring to our meeting. Or bringing in junk food from their houses so it wouldn't derail their diets. And I didn't need the temptation - or the unsolicited commentary about the weird foods I would be eating.

Because really, to do this, you need to eat weird food.