The Man Behind The Curtain

Charlotte and I laugh our heads off (and so does Griff) at the detailed descriptions of every painful nuance of my date. We eat some sushi that the boys brought home and laugh so hard that wasabi nearly comes out of my nose. Pretty. No wonder I'm single.

Charlotte is kind enough not to say that she told me so, even though we both know that she did. More than once.

The truth of the matter is really very simple. I am an intuitive person. I am led by my impressions and feelings and subtle things that simply can not be articulated in a few blurbs about one's self in an online profile. There is no mathematical, reasoned, scientific magic bullet to matchmaking. It is not a science. It is an art. So it doesn't really matter so much what you look like (unless that's all I know about you and you are a freakish reality show loser type in the few photos you've chosen of yourself for public advertising), or what you say about yourself. Or whether or not we like the same hobbies or how many kids you have or even where you live. What matters is how I feel when I'm with you and that makes eHarmony inherently flawed.

Sure there is something predictable about some of what makes people good matches for one another. Religion and politics can be touchstones for predicting tension or alignment --- if one or both parties have passion about one or both topics. So the card-carrying, protest-attending Atheist will probably match poorly with the Southern Bible-thumping Baptist. And the Fox News junkie will probably come to blows with the Mother Jones subscriber. But if one of you has strong beliefs in one area and the other of you is just middle of the roading it, you might not completely agitate one another if the other more meaningful things add up. I know plenty of couples who have enjoyed years of happy married life canceling out each others votes election after election.

But by and large, it is those things that can not be stated that are going to make ones toes curl. Or one's eyes roll.

You can tell me that you are not jealous, but if I see you raise your eyebrow ever so slightly when I mention that I am going to go out and throw back a few beers with an old college chum who happens to be male and who coincidentally took me to my sorority formal nearly 30 years ago, then you can re-label yourself jealous.

You can tell me that you are not a TV junkie, but if you can rattle off the entire 7-day prime time lineup on all the major networks without missing a beat and know the names of all the actors and actresses and all the current plot arcs, well, I will not be surprised when I find a big old ass groove in your sofa.

And you can declare yourself Father of the Year, but if your kids eat frozen dinners on the 4 nights a week they are with you, and you've never once packed a lunch, and you are a lame, flip-flopping disciplinarian, and you consider the movie theater a form of day care, then I suggest you take that trophy out of the case. It is nothing but a doorstop.

And by contrast, it is rarely going to be something you put in print that gives me butterflies. It is going to be something you do. A gesture. A kindness. The way you look at me. Something you remember that I said. The tone you take with the wait staff. The way you reach for my arm before we step off the curb. The way you keep up with my wit. Your wit on its own. Your interest in meeting my friends. The way you speak of your own friends. The way you look right at me when I am speaking. The way I feel like I've been struck by lightening the first time you touch my hand.

These are things that can not be predicted by a few simple statements about preferences. Most people have no idea what they really like. They have no idea what matters to them. They have no effin clue what is going to make them truly happy. They won't know until they have found it.

So all of the profile information and self description and question answering on eHarmony only has value if you really know yourself and really describe yourself genuinely. But for most of us, myself included, it is an impression you are trying to create. (Often with the help of your friends!) It is not real. It is window dressing.

The man behind the curtain is what I need to see. And that can't be done online.