The Loud Leading the Moronic

"We had an agreement," he texts with his ape-like thumbs.

"Yes we did. And no one seems to be living up to it but me. So forget it."

"I have no idea what you are talking about."

How convenient. A selective memory. Like that never happens with Lars.

I ask him if he has any idea what happened that day. His inquiry confirming that I was not welshing on our agreement was uncannily well timed. He puts the screws to me, and then goes into a flop sweat knowing that he may have just awakened the dormant she-wolf. And always in writing so he can forward it to Randee. How very clever!

He says he is clueless.

Well, shit, Lars, you've been clueless for decades. Thanks for the update.

I think for a moment. I read back through texts from Craig and Terry and Ted. All telling me to be brave. Be my most fierce and fearless version of myself. Win my own battle.

I pick up the phone. Game time. I pace the living room as the phone rings. It takes 4 rings. He either can't accurately strike the right spot on the touchscreen with those sausage-shaped fingers of his or he's wondering if he should answer and have a conversation with me - you know, without REPRESENTATION.

I use the moments to try to slow my breathing, which sounds like I have been running for my life (and maybe I have been). He answers.

I launch into the explanation, starting with why I think he may just have to pucker up and kiss my ass before I do him any favors with his travel plans.

He says he has plane tickets.

I tell him the kids say they are driving to Tennessee, not flying. I know every detail.

He says it's a surprise. How convenient. I'll need to see the reservations. Please produce them or he's SOL.

He asks what I am so mad about. Nothing has changed with the child support. What am I so mad about today??? I can practically hear the beads of sweat running down his big rounded forehead.

Can he really not know?

I ask him if he'd talked to Randee today.

No. He tells me she never calls him because then she'd have to bill him.

My God, the stupid are entertaining.

"Well, since she hasn't given you the courtesy of asking your actual opinion before she opined on your behalf, let me fill you in on the details of Mizz Randee's Show of Shows."

I am calm enough to sit. Here we go.