Looking Back and Moving Forward

So while there's a lull in the action, let's back up a little.

At the beginning of this week long odyssey, I had invited Abby and Moira, J.'s daughters, to join Hil and me for dinner while Pat was at Boy Scout Camp. 

It had been on a whim.  I was in the shower one day and thought, "When I step out of this shower, I am going to call Hil and find out what her social calendar involves for the weekend and suggest, if she's free, that we invite the girls and their mother for dinner."  Yes, I think in complete sentences like that.

And I had done just that, and Hil had been thrilled at the idea.  There was no life or death commitments to any sleepovers, JustDance4 parties, trips to the mall, middle school dances, nail appointments, eyebrow waxings or anything of grave import like that.

I texted Sandy.  She said she'd check with her girls.  Moira has quite a social calendar as well, with her sports and the all consuming cheer schedule to contend with. And Abby is away at school. Even if it is a local school, God only knows what obligations she'd have.

When I heard from her, she'd texted and then I'd texted, and then she'd called so we could really catch up without any thumb injuries.  She would be joining us later on Saturday as she'd had another commitment, but it would give the girls and me time to catch up on our own before she'd arrive.

We were both drinking a martini...and had lots to talk about.

I gave her the 411 on my love life.  When we'd gone out in December, Craig and I were still trying to find time to go on our first date. I was still reeling from Scott's vanishing act, and still having a hard time talking about it all without quivering and holding back tears.

Since that time, Craig and I had had two dates and he'd periodically faded from view for days at a time. I'd begun to correspond with Scott.  I'd opened myself up to the possibility of Mac.

She on the other hand, had decided that she'd had her chance at love, that that ship had sailed (and left the harbor) and she'd be alone for the rest of her life.

And I wondered.

What if I was enjoying some beginners luck now but that came to an end?  What if Craig eventually faded away altogether or just never became something tangible?  And what if Mac turned out to be exactly the flake he'd been seven years earlier (and now we know that he had...) and no one else came calling?  What would I do?  For the moment, I had Scott's attention it seemed. But he'd only be around until someone else got his attention...he'd tire of me soon, like he had in the fall. It was inevitable. If I didn't give him something in return soon, he'd be gone forever. Men have an uncanny way of finding a way to survive. 

Would I too resign myself to a life of solitude?  Was I being a Pollyanna thinking I'd have my Happily Ever After?  Do I need to remind myself that I am crowding in on 50 and I am statistically disadvantaged?  Was Sandy being the smart one, giving up now and finding her happiness alone rather than desperately wanting something more for the next 40 years?  Was I kidding myself?

I had to believe not. I had to. The thought of a life by myself...the single guest at the Christmas dinner table, the one invited to the wedding with an invitation that reads "and Guest," the one who has to explain who I am at the graduations and bridal showers and the dinner parties because I don't seem to have a place in the normal order of things...it was more than I could bear.

No. Not me. I pushed the thought from my head with a sip of my martini.  I had to hide my heart from such thoughts. At least for now.