Just Give Me A Reason

The weekend progresses and I decide two things.

I still don't want to learn the slightest thing about why Scott dumped me the way he did - or dumped me at all. Nothing useful there. Almost anything about it would likely make me blow an aorta in anger.

And though I am sure I am not without culpability in the breakup, I am sure I did nothing to deserve the uncommon cruelty that Scott heaped upon me. Nothing. Those reasons have everything to do with his character and not mine. I need to hang on to that. Because people who are capable of such things are clearly capable of doing them more than once. Why stick my head into the lion's mouth?

So I survive the weekend and head into yet another hideous work week. The bright spot is that Craig's drinking gloves have come in. He's been a little quiet, perhaps because of my misguided text from Friday, but I have a reason to send him a text.  I feel like a 7th grader slipping a note into my crush's locker.

But he texts first! He makes a joke about a dark beer in a small girly glass as I am walking to the track to burn off the stress of the day.  I tell him I could use one too, and that his drinking gloves are in my office. And after a few jokes back and forth, I suggest that one of us needs to get into our car with our drinking money and gloves and drive in the other person's direction.  We talk about free weekends, try to nail down some deets. This is the hard part. We want to see each other and can't. 

And though I love the attention, and having someone to think about, I wonder if it is enough. 

It is enough for me - at least for now.  I have no pressure to be anywhere every weekend and no long standing commitments and can see my girlfriends any time they ask me. I have not had that kind of freedom in years. I take long walks and go shopping and the freedom to be spontaneous. And still have the possibility of seeing him, when the situations present themselves. I have dates to plan for  - outfits and outings and something to look forward to.

I just wonder when he will decide it is not enough for him. When will he decide that he needs someone a little closer to home, to talk to across the dinner table or decide what to do with the garden with?  What if he thinks I am just swell but inconvenient? 

And then I notice something one night when I am scrolling through Facebook.  I was going way back on the insipid timeline to see which photos I'd posted to go along with the notes about Hil and Pat being born. As I scroll, I of course go back through to the beginning - including getting married (let's not even discuss it) getting divorced (losing 180 ugly pounds) and the start of my relationship with Scott (my goodness I'd had high hopes). And there, the very next day is a notation of friends that I connected with on Facebook that same weekend, and Craig was one of them.

And I think --- Scott entered my life and was quickly followed by Craig. And maybe that is all part of some larger Purpose. Maybe Craig had to enter the picture then.  We needed the two years that I was with Scott to develop the kind of friendship that allowed him to reach out and help me when Scott did what he did.  And even more ironically, the day after I went out with Craig, I got the first text from Scott saying he was regretful.  The timing is uncanny.

But more significant is this...if Craig and I had not gone out when we had, I might have been completely vulnerable when Scott came looking for me. That text might have been exactly the thing I was waiting to get. I would have caved, would have folded, would have given in. 

But Craig was there throwing up a road block and giving me something to look forward to.  Redirecting traffic in my life, simply by being there.  All things for a reason. I think I need to just ride this out and see what all the reasons are.