The Three Faces of Evil

I brace myself. Mom has an astonishing capacity for meanness.

Thankfully it hasn't always been directed at me. But sometimes her ability to criticize others left me gasping.

Like the time she came to a my basketball game in 8th grade (and was pissed that I'd already played my two minutes as a lowly 3rd stringer by the time she'd arrived) and I pointed out the guy I liked (Jeff) and the cheerleader he liked (Karen).  In a matter of moments she'd related that he was nothing special and actually winced when she figured out which cheerleader I was talking about. Winced. In disbelief.

"He likes her?" she'd said, as if I'd pointed out Jo-Jo The Dog Faced Boy.

And after I shushed her to a normal, hushed tone suitable for gossip, I stated that she was popular and pretty and lots of boys liked her and I couldn't even say that didn't think she was nice.

"Well he must be blind or she's a tramp because she has nothing on you. Look at that stupid smile with her little pinched face and buck teeth (they weren't). And she's going to wish she had your legs when she's my age and they look like utility poles."

I was wounded. It was kind of hard to listen to when Karen had gorgeous dark Farrah Fawcett hair and a great figure and was strutting her little cheerleading stuff while I had a Dorothy Hamill and was shaped like an ironing board and was sitting on the bench on the JV squad.  It was sort of like she was criticizing the girl I kind of wanted to trade placed with. And not only did Jeff like her, Mom had just pointed out that she was MamboDogfaceInABananaPatch ugly, what exactly did that make me?

But anyway, that was then, and this was war. God only knows what evil she's managed to whip up since our peaceful little visit. Now that her face isn't broken and she is feeling all full of herself. Or herself and gin.

Here it comes. Charlotte imitates her indignation. I'll put this in red because there is no Crazy Deranged Hag font.

"What is going on with Liza not wearing any makeup?"

And Charlotte, speaking as herself, and sounding more sane by comparison, says, "I don't know what you're talking about Mom."

"She came to the graduation wearing no makeup at all! What is wrong with her. She used to take better care of herself."

"Mom, Liza always looks like that, and she looks lovely. She was wearing makeup, she has a very understated look.  It suits her, I think. She has flawless skin, and has no need to get all glammed up. It's her look. It's polished and finished and I think she looked beautiful and she always does."

"Well you can tell me she was wearing makeup, but I sure couldn't tell. If you ask me she's becoming a real Plain Jane."

I could literally feel my heart turning to stone.