John Doe

I can't say it was completely unexpected. Just a shock to hear about so abruptly. I actually thought this day would come sooner and had been waiting for nearly two years for it. Or the discovery that J. had blown his brains out on my porch so I'd have the joy of finding his carcass (with a little note pinned on what remains stating the he could not go on living a life without me. Goodbye cruel world.)

But I have to say, her words stunned me. She was very composed. So mature. Told me that she did not care what Endorra thought. I was important, and I needed to know.

But the Endorra comment hitched in my brain. J. evidently had only just bitten the dust and Endorra ws already making gag order proclamations so that I would not find out?  Hello, obituaries....

We talked for a while. She told me all the horrid details. I told her she'd be in my prayers. I learned a little about her life since we'd last chatted. Evidently Sandy had filed for full custody and she'd been living just with Sandy for about a year. And was quite happy about it.

Considering the timing, I wondered if my e-mail to Sandy last Spring had hit its mark. I'd reached out quite assertively to inform her of some troubling observations that had been shared with me about J. I reached out, as one mother to another, on behalf of her child's safety.  I said my only agenda was the child's interest. She could take the information and act on it or not, I just could not in good faith keep it to myself. I would hope if the shoe were on the other foot, someone would do similarly for me. (I wish the New Liza would get wise to this idea...) She could not say at that time what she'd do. I suppose I know now.

After a short time, we got off the phone promising to stay in touch. Keep each other in thoughts and prayers. I'd say hello to Hil and Pat for her. She'd say my hellos for me.

My heart breaks for her. Her loss. The mixed emotions. The pity. How worried she must have been. But other than that, I feel nothing.

There was a time, when J. and I had just broken up that I was so saddened and frantic that one day, he'd be sick, or need a friend, and because of all that had happened with me and his wicked mother and his moronic sister, that no one would call me. No one would tell me. And I'd not be there to help. It would break my heart.

And now, two years later, exactly that has happened.

And I feel nothing.