Retail Therapy

Hil and I pile into the dressing room having accumulated an astonishing amount of garments in record time. Hil perches on the bench while I designate hooks – These are things I haven’t tried on, this hook is for the Maybes, this is for the No Way On God’s Green Earth, and this will be the “You’re Coming Home with Mama” stuff. Hil will do the hanging while I keep the wardrobe changes coming.

It is not long before I realize Banana has been living under the misguided illusion that women everywhere have 13 inch waists, no boobs, and no concern about visible bra straps. The No Way hook is about to detach from the wall with the weight of the clothes and leave an unsightly yaw. Pretty. We divert some of the No Way Jose stuff to the Maybe Baby hook, since it is empty.

When I get to a few almost acceptable pieces that might just be perfect in another size or color, Hil is a willing gopher. She is overjoyed to be helping me, when really, I am hoping I am teaching her some small points about clothes. When I point out what is wrong with each piece, I hope she’s absorbing:

“This looks great from this angle, but when I turn this way, I look like a mobile home.”

“Oooh. The beads stop at the seam and don’t go all the way around to the back. The hallmark of a cheap blouse. Next!”

“These pants grab at the crotch. Let’s not draw the eye THERE, thank you.”

"I’d need quite a contraption to keep the boobs in check and the bra straps concealed As They Should Be."

"Not even fashion tape can fix a gap like THIS.”

"I like the shape but the color makes me look like a squash.”

And then finally, a fabulous dress is next on the Try On hook. A gorgeous orange. Impeccable, intricate details all around the neck. The perfect body skimming constructed shape. An ideal hem length. Lined. Fabulosity.

I ask Hil for a thumbs up or a thumbs down. I get two enthusiastic thumbs, way up.

And then I get a set of gold bangles.

And I get cosmically sucked into Kenneth Cole where I pounce on a fabulous pair of cork wedge brushed gold sandals to put a complete Girls Weekend ensemble together. I am so giddy I make a donation to Haiti because Kenneth Cole wants me to.

And for good measure, and a matter of practicality, I buy the fabulous shoulder bag to carry home my empty wallet.