The Enemy Camp

I am privately wigging.

My kids will have another mother figure - only now on an official basis. Not that I am concerned about being upstaged. I have no such insecurities. It is more a matter of trust. I don't really know Liza. What if she asserts some bizarre parenting rites and rituals, and Lars is too pilled out and lazy to object? No one gets grounded. You have to hoola hoop for an hour and recite 18th century poetry.

And Lars is a Pollyanna when it comes to matters with the children. Won't ever face a real problem and foolishly believes everything is just fine while chaos and mayhem erupt all around him. There are going to be changes in the kids' lives as a result of this. Hopefully all good changes, but changes nonetheless. And someone needs to grease the skids. I am worried that Lars will just go on naively believing that his union with Liza is such a magical thing that it will bring pixie dust and moonbeams to all it touches and the kids will go blindly into the maelstrom of Big Change without a competent escort. Shouldn't someone be talking about it? I mean, in more significant terms than "What will we call Liza now that she's sort of your mom?"

And Liza has gone off to Canada recently to become an ordained minister in some fringe religion. Lars, who is too lazy to practice any faith may just delegate matters of faith to her, even though from the moment they were born we have practiced (the kids and I, at least) our Roman Catholic faith. What if there is now some sort of competing faith and it involves doughnuts and bowling and is way more fun?

And my worst fear has come home to roost.

Lars has made a life out of surrounding himself with people who do not conflict with him at any cost. Will not assert a dissenting opinion, will not argue a point, will not share an observation that enlightens. He is so very unpleasant and confrontational to disagree with, about anything however benign or significant, that even his closest friends and confidants do not ever go more than a few steps into a disagreement. It is clear he will happily annihilate you.

And now he's chosen a bride that will fit that mold. She's about my age (I would guess older from her appearance) and has never been married (Hello! Waving the caution flag!) so she has no experience with which to judge Lars as a spouse. I've heard him speaking to her in the background when I've been on the phone with the kids. He has the same harsh, "you're an idiot and I can't believe I tolerate you, get it through your head that I am superior" attitude with her that he eventually took with me. And the kids have shared similar observations. So she is another powerless person tasked with endlessly trying to please him, when it simply can not be done. So when he acts like a kook, and it is her place to call him on it, she won't. No one does.

And since she's never been a spouse or a housewife or a mother, she has no basis with which to challenge his bizarre parenting style - bullying, intimidation, ignoring a problem and hoping it goes away. She's tried and failed. The kids have told me she's interjected when he's been on a tear. Told him maybe he's being too harsh. And he's told her to go fly a kite (or something similar). So she will not conflict with him at her own expense for the benefit of the children. So now there are two misguided parental figures to my one. Two people who will stand up in court and fight me (even if one is there only under duress) if I assert that Lars is the unfit parent he is.

So really, I could not care less who or when or if Lars marries. It is a non-issue as a matter of the heart. But what matters to me most is the change in dynamics for the children. And I worry for them.

I suppose I always will. As they grow up, the worries just evolve, they don't go away. And this is what defines being a parent, I guess. Miles to go before I sleep.