The Hand That Feeds You

Mothers Day should be the most uncomplicated holiday.

Everyone has or has had one, or a reasonable facsimile. What to do to honor that person depends on a couple of simple, nearly black and white rules.

Is she alive?

If no, visit the grave, or make some gesture in her memory. A lovely post on FB, a donation to her favorite charity in her name, participation in one of her favorite past times. Something that remembers her.

If yes, good for you, proceed to the next fork in the road.

Is she reasonably nearby?

If no, let your wallet be your guide. By all means find a way to call her. And depending on whether you typically have money at the end of the month or month left over at the end of the money, send her something. A card, some flowers, a gift of some kind. If you have lots of money left at the end of the month, go big.

If yes, move to the next juncture.

What can you plan to do to spend time with her? Maybe there are competing obligations - lots of generations of mothers to tend to. Your mother may be churning out the hype with her mother, or her husband's mother! Your wife may be your kids' mother, or your kids' mother may be your ex-wife. In most cases, there is some juggling to do. So get to it - talk with sibs and spouses and parents about when they are available and plan something. Make reservations, get tickets to do something. Show up with a gift and spend time letting her look into your face to recall how you looked as a young child and what a joy you were to raise now that all the memories of sibling rivalry and throw up in the car, and chicken pox, and insolence and calls to be picked up at the local police precinct have faded sufficiently.

The wild card is, no matter how you answer those questions, if you are currently not on speaking terms with your mother, what to do to celebrate is not so black and white.

I am not sure how the day snuck up on me.

Yes, I am.

I am divorced and my kids are young. What we do to celebrate - and lets face it, they want and need and deserve to celebrate - depends on what I plan for them to do with me.

And this year, what Scott plans to help them do with me.

I would be happy with a corsage to wear to church which would designate me as one of the adored mothers in the parish. But that is no fun at all for the kids. I'd be standing there in church all smiley with two sour pusses.

So while I am not about to make suggestions about what Scott does for me, I kind of have to figure out what the kids expect a celebration to look like, and clue him in. What fun.

This is a thankless life.

So with all of those plates in the air, it is no wonder that the big day had come and it had not occurred to me that as a daughter, it would be up to me to reach out to my mother.

Potential to get my hand bitten and all.