Becoming Don Knotts

So I faked it. I put on an Oscar-worthy portrayal of a woman completely calm and in control of her faculties while a potentially aggressive predator threatened. I gamely set about being engrossed in and consumed with the task of properly picking up and storing the damn lawn darts. (Which under normal circumstances I would have left right where they were out of hopeful anticipation of another round, and of course, sheer laziness.

I considered chickening out altogether and going in the side door on the opposite side of the house from where J. and his mother sat. Too obvious. (Again, there are enough bad manners citations out there being discussed over Early Bird Specials each week)

So, lawn darts in my hands to steady them, I walked toward the proper door without making eye contact until absolutely necessary. (Those day lillies were sooo interesting!) When I'd gotten near enough, I simply forced a polite smile and said "Can I get either of you something to drink?"

After getting refusals from both of them in unison, I walked through the door, and when I was safely out of veiw, began to breathe again.

So now it was just me and the kids in the house - and I needed to tell them that Mommom was here --- which would surely be met with mixed reviews. Not being my first day as a parent, I controlled the situation by telling each kid casually but privately. It was summer afterall, and the windows were open, so any kind of loud protests by my children would heard the world over.

At one point, J. asked that his tween come out to chat with Mommom. I gave Endora and her granddaughter a wide berth, but noticed through the kitchen curtains that J. had disappeared. I looked around the yard and in the garage before deciding that he'd vanished, and was probably stuffed in Endora's trunk suffocating while I boiled water for corn on the cobb.

So I went to my house phone and dialed his cell, hoping against hope that I'd hear it ringing nearby. It was not. He picked up on the 3rd ring. He was not in Endora's trunk. He was at the hardware store!

Stifling the urge to scream obscenities at him for leaving me alone with the Boogey Man, I inquired as to the urgency of the hardware emergency. His explanation, by the Grace of God, made sense given the recent threats and aggression from Sandy, and he said he'd be home in 5 minutes, could I heat up the grill.

Of course that would require me to walk by Endora several times. Damn him his hardware store crisis.

I walked by the first time. Offered drinks on the way back.
Walked by a second time, this time with matches because the ignition would not spark (natch). Offered that everyone could come inside since it was so hot. (and Endora was wearing pants and a cardigan sweater!)
Went out a third time to put the table cloth on the picnic table and raise the market umbrella.
Walked by a fourth time to check on the grill temperature (Where the hell was J.????????) and bumped into him on the walk. He was smiling.

"We have another guest for dinner," he stated with hopeful expectation about my response.

"Great!" I said with uncertainty and feigned joy. "Glad to have you. Let's eat inside where it's cool."

And I am less likely to faint from all of this.