Missed Messages

I had a blast at the wedding. My friends and other guests made me nearly forget that my man had:

- Blown me off
- Not called
- Not apologized
- Shown no remorse
- Not cared for a moment that he was sending me off to a beautiful, fancy occassion without him, running the risk of some predatory man sweeping out onto the dance floor, off my feet, and out of his life (maybe not all at once---but perhaps with sustained effort...)

Had I not been so crushed by the slight -- or heaping pile of slights -- I might have thought more in those terms. Ya know, love the one you're with.

But I am more loyal than that. I'd never bolt from anything meaningful like my relationship with Scott without talking through things first.

Had I only known that he had no such notions himself. Fewer than three months later, I'd be swirling in bewilderment and grief when he drove a backhoe into our relationship and sped off without so much as a glance in his rear view mirror. It's hard not to now view the entire relationship through shit-colored glasses.

But I do know better. But only because I knew Scott for decades and knew how deeply he loved and how he'd handled matters of the heart in the past. How he treated departures when he was a young man. My mistake had not been to have gotten involved. It was to have let myself be convinced he'd ever be different.

Given that understanding, I am convinced that my convictions now are correct. On point. Accurate.

He loved me once. He may still love me. He flaked. That is all.

But flaking is not okay. Fifteen year olds flake. Fifty year-olds don't...or should know how not to. You know, a little self control. A little ownership. A little responsibility to another person.

So having flaked is the kiss of death for Scott. He obviously had something he needed to say and didn't. He was overwhelmed by something and could not find a way to manage to collect himself sufficiently to articulate his fear. He bolted rather than have to step up into the ring.

And so the past being the best predictor of the future, I have to say he's a bad risk. He couldn't manage to have a meaningful conversation about the direction our relationship was taking. What if I got cancer? What if Someone had some real tragedy to deal with? Would he be a man or a paper tiger?

Survey says!.......

Paper tiger.

And so my mind remains made up.