The Last Dance

I am conflicted.

Not Sophie's Choice conflicted, but conflicted nonetheless.

There is a part of me that thinks Scott has genuinely poured his heart out and nothing more complicated than that. Accepting the ill fated outcome of his actions. Lamenting his powerlessness to rewrite the end of the story. Making his last, gasping statement before stepping onto the gallows. Famous last words.

And there is the cynical, mistrusting, jaded part of me that thinks maybe he's trying to play me. Manipulate my feelings. Dig deep for what I am really feeling instead of what I will allow to be seen. He knows me like the back of his own hand. He'd know exactly how the impact of the word "forever" would strike me. (Feel free at this point to join me in belting out ""Weeee-eeee are never, ever, ever, getting back together!" a la Taylor Swift. Come on. You know a brain synapse fired right where that song lives in your head.) He may be hoping that the finality of it will find me reacting with a sappy, "Noooo! Not forever! Don't say THAT! I don't want to live without you forever!"

And to be truthful, there is something spooky about the finality of it. It is a daunting notion. Very few things are forever. Dead is forever. Pet stains are forever. Dentures are forever. And there has never been a time in my life when there wasn't Scott's presence or at least the possibility of Scott's presence. "Forever" changes the game. "Forever" turns a firehose on the spark.

But I'd had to consider it - however sadly and woefully - back in the Fall. It was such a lost and lonely bleak feeling.

But then Charlotte and Jack and Pat and Hil and Kate and all of my other wonderful friends helped me get my feet positioned beneath me and find my sea legs. And soon enough I was ambulating more steadily through the days. Then running. Then dancing. And the idea became less and less the kind of thing that made my heart momentarily cease to beat.

And I am remembering Priscilla's beer-soaked words just before last call in the last pub in DC.

And I decide to write back to Scott.

"Scott, forever is a long time. But I don't imagine there will ever be a time when what you did does not come between us. I just have to make sure it does not come between me and whatever life I want to have going forward. You must have had reasons., and now you know my reason for having to walk away. I hope you understand."

Send.