Who is Interviewing Whom?

The date is set. Wednesday after work, so as not to conflict with any of the kids' evening activities, Miley is coming to meet us.

She is coming to my house first. That way I can set the stage and demonstrate that I am not a lunatic and give her hope before it is dashed by Lars and all his hang ups and weirdness. If she were to go to his his house first, surely she's leave skid marks peeling away from the place contemplating a break for the boarder.

I get home from work a few minutes early and make sure that my home and my appearance do not suggest harried-ness. Miley is on time and adorable. She is soft spoken but confident. She plays nonchalantly with Trinket who jumps onto the table to check out the guest.

She asks about the kids - what they like, what they ARE like. I decide to explain the toll the divorce has taken and some of the scars left. She says she is a child of divorce also. Mother in one state and remarried. Father in another state, also remarried. Five brothers, sisters, halves and steps that she's picked up along the road her parents have taken with other partners.

I tell her about my hopes for the summer. A normal summer at home for the kids with the ability to sleep late and come and go as they wish. Hang out with school friends or neighborhood friends without a lot of pre-planning and phone calls and parental obligations because I work. I want them not so much to be babysat, but to grow a little in their responsibility. Take their phones when they leave. Call when they change locations or plans. Check in at home. Be home for lunch or dinner. I certainly don't expect Miley to clean my house. (Hell, I don't even want to do that!) but I would ask that she remind the kids that used glasses and plates go into the dishwasher. And that wet towels and bathing suits do not get left on the floor. Beds get made. Toys and crafts and projects get put away when we move to the next activity. Learn that entertaining themselves is their responsibility, not someone else's.

She totally gets it. I love this kid.

But I am afraid she is going to be freaked out when she meets Lars. And the little soldiers with flat affects that she meets with him. The kids are completely different when they are with Lars. I am afraid she will find them to be nothing like I've described.

I decide to tell her a a few enlightening things. But have to tap dance because if I paint Lars the color he really is, she will run far and fast because he is just too much trouble.

I tell her to consider this gig one job with two bosses. Lars and I are very different parents, and therefore the kids are different around each of us. He is very high strung. I am very go-with-the-flow. He has very strict standards about things I don't care about at all. He is a strict disciplinarian (read that "tortures the kids endlessly") and I let the punishment emerge naturally from the fallout of the crime. The kids will be obedient and flat when she meets them at his house. They let their hair down with me. Lars will make a ruling (e.g. "Socks and closed shoes must be worn outside at all times to prevent ring worm, and sunscreen must be generously reapplied every hour on the hour even when indoors")," ) and she can assume that I don't subscribe to that thinking on any level unless she's heard it from me. She can use her judgment on most things unless I tell her something specific. And even then, it would sound more like a suggestion. The kids have learned to live by separate and distinct sets of rules. She will get the hang of things.

I wonder if I've said too much. If she's thinking that I am a bitter old jilted hag or if Lars is a complete lunatic. You never know.

She tells me she completely understands. She has had to go with the flow for years. For instance, her mother is a college professor at a college she does not like. Miley attends school at another university and pays tuition because her mother would not want her educated at her school, even for free (must be some school!). Her mother is pursuing an appointment at a school in the deep south and if she gets the job, Miley will transfer pending admission. So she'd say goodbye to friends here and move with very little notice. But her stepfather would remain local at least for a year, since her step sister is in a local university and needs to maintain state residence to keep her tuition deal. Even though she is studying abroad this semester. So Miley could still be around to see the kids and keep them company on breaks and such.

Evidently, Miley knows exactly what it is like to live a life that is more a product of her parents' machinations than her own desires.

This idea somehow comforts me and makes me feel horribly sad.

I am very impressed with this very brave, very mature girl. And not just because she is a competitive swimmer and will play in the water with my kids and loves all things girly like Hil does, or is an outdoorsy-won't-rely-on-the-TV-for entertainment kind of sitter. I send her off in the direction of Lars' house with fingers crossed and a heavy but hopeful heart.