You Say Tomayto, I Say Tomahto

The list goes on. I am not encouraged. I have a feeling I am on my own here.

The next term on the list is “Follower.”

What?

Why not Groupie? Fan Club Member? Disciple?

Or are we tweeting?

Please.

Friend – A good start but let’s not confuse matters. I have friends (AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!) who I would never date. Not even under duress.

Intimate – Is he an undergarment? The definition reads that it is someone with whom you are intimate, and part B, characterized by sexual relations. Why not just say that this is the guy you are sleeping naked with? You’d sound less ridiculous, and it is no less revealing.

Paramour – A little formal, but depending on the setting would be okay if its most common use were not “the lover of a married person.” If you want to really lay it all out there I suppose that is your business, but I am thinking “TMI.”

Partner – Tennis anyone? Is this my doubles partner? My partner in the 3-legged race? It sounds arranged. And sterile.

Soul mate – a little too hippy-dippy for my taste. Maybe we’ll have a love child together and name him Moonbeam and sing Joan Baez songs in the commune together. Peace, brother.

Steady – Sure, Fonz.

Suitor – By definition, one who courts or woos a woman. So far, not too offbase. But part B is “petitioner.” Sounds like one of us is trying too hard. See Admirer. Get enough signatures and I might let you be my boyfriend.

Swain – Aside from the fact that no one would know what the hell you were talking about if you introduced your boyfriend as your swain, it is a term for “male lover” that also is used to refer to a male servant. I am not saying that there isn’t any overlap there, folks, but who introduces someone like that and gets another date?

Sweetheart – A little girlish…what about Sweet Babboo? Or Wooby? And besides, what if he’s not sweet? What if what you like about him is that he is not sweet? What if you like him because he is dark and brooding and mysterious like that kid in the vampire movies?

Young man – My Young Man as opposed to My Old Man? Really? And I think we’ve been over this…we are not that young…which is the reason boyfriend sounds so ridiculous.

Time to put on my thinking cap. I have a word to invent. I may need to rally the girls for a night of cocktails.