Worn Out Phrases and Longing Gazes

I think we have established that I have a love affair with words.

I am always so pleased to find just the right obscure, white elephant word that conveys just the right meaning. Exactly the right spin. Where the accompanying facial expression can be visualized. For instance, to dislike something is a mundane thing. To loathe something comes with a grimace and a curled lip.

Could it be that the English language has the perfect word, and I am just incognizant of it? (Visual: Me clutching the pearls in abject horror, mouth agape, brow furrowed. Charlotte has seen it a thousand times.)

This is the kind of thing that keeps me awake at night. Really.

So to lay to rest the notion that the perfect word could be waiting out there for me to take notice and relieve the guilt of perhaps having left a stone unturned, I take to my Word of the Day Application on my Smartphone. It is my grown up wordsmith version of crack.

I carefully type in the word “boyfriend.” Place my thumb on the thesaurus key. And without a second’s hesitation it spews forth a laundry list of suggested replacement words. Some familiar, some not so much. And here they are:

Admirer – I should hope so! But doesn’t that sound a little one sided? My admirer. As in he likes me, but my jury is still in deliberations.

Beau – Not totally offensive in the scheme of things. It means “frequent or attentive male companion.” It also means “fop, or dandy.” I can say with the utmost certainty that if you are a fop and you pay more attention to your hair than I do, you will most definitely not be my boyfriend.

Companion – It sounds like something an old person has. It also can mean someone who is paid to assist. Images of Lassie come to mind. And I don’t want anyone thinking my mother pays Scott to hold my hand and make sure I get home in one piece.

Confidant – “Someone with whom secrets are shared and discussed.” No, that would be my therapist, and we most definitely are not dating.

Date – This word doesn’t feel right to me. It seems bound to an event. Your boyfriend can be your date, and your date can be your boyfriend, but the words are not interchangeable.

Escort – No. It suggests that one is paid. Or armed. And not there on his own terms. Next!

Fiance – Let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Most boyfriends, if introduced as one’s fiancé would leave skid marks exiting the party.

Flame – “an object of one’s passionate love.” I don’t see it. “Hi, Grandpa. I’d like to introduce you to my flame, Scott.” Grandpa would suggest that you might both be committed.

I am not even half way through the conveniently alphabetized list and I am already very discouraged.