Off the Cuff

I have unyielding appreciation for the genius that was Queer Eye. Arguably the thing that did the most for Gay and Lesbian Rights and acceptance since Ellen came out and Will and Grace moved in.

We know What Not To Wear got their contestants when their fed-up friends or co-workers reported them as having made one too many appearances in public that would incite a riot.

It was never clear to me how Queer Eye found their subjects, but they did always interview a number of enablers for each one who would admit that they would not sit down in his apartment without being up to date on their immunizations, or that they'd prefer not to be seen in well-lit public places while he was dressed "like that," or that they'd "just gotten used to" the smell after they'd given up on the novenas to the patron saint of hygiene. (Is it Wilgefortis? It ought to be. This is the gal who sprouted a full beard and moustache when she learned of her betrothal to some heinous king. She's also the patron saint of women in troubled marriages. Ladies, pay attention! Get rid of the chin hairs and the crappy spouse all in one novena. How efficient!)

Carson's book (we are on a first name basis, natch) Off the Cuff (Published by Dutton) touts itself as being written for straight men and the women who have the dubious honor of dressing them. And it not only instructs them on what a man should have in his closet, (more than just blue shirts, Lars!) but also how it should fit and how it should be made. The hallmarks of a well-made suit or shoe. Cuts, fabrics, styles of shoe, what is meant by the words seat, and rise and inseam. What buttons to button and how much cuff should show. Different knots for the tie.

And it teaches the everyday language of clothes. What words a man needs to be able to walk into a clothier or a tailor and ask for help - or talk to his wife. So when we say things like "Please don't wear that hideous houndstooth jacket to my boss's kids' bar mitzvah," he'll know enough not to look like he simply wasn't listening.

And the book is hilarious. Pee your pants funny. Try to read it out loud without howling. I think it will bring couples together over a very divisive topic, frankly. Carson as marriage counselor. Brilliant.

And so how did we get on this topic? Oh, right. What Not To Wear inspired me to buy makeup. Which I did. And was made over not by a drag queen per se, but by a tall, impeccably groomed, well informed man who was very prettily made up himself. Bought everything he suggested and he threw in a moisturizer just to be nice.

And as bizarre as that may seem, it can not even begin to approach the bizarre quality my life is about to take on. As though inspired by reality TV as well, my mother has decided that she and Bill will drive North.

To join me on vacation. God save the queen.