Bat Man - The Beginning

We click on the first site. I am almost breathing normally now.

Kate reads to me. "Getting rid of a bat is very easy."

That's easy for you to say.

"You should try to get rid of the bat as quickly as possible."

Like I'd keep it around for the entertainment value.  And so much for that anyway. The bat has been hanging out with us for about an hour already.  Grubby little freeloading varmint.

"Bats pose a particular threat to your household pets as they are filthy.  They have been known to carry lice and ticks and fleas and are often diseased.  They may carry rabies and could infect your pet if one is bitten by a bat."

Joy.

"Cat's are especially at risk because they are intrigued by bats in flight and will hunt them, often catching them in mid-flight."

No shit, Sherlock.

"Once a bat is discovered, carefully place a tea towel over it. Pick it up gently and take it outside, talking to it softly to calm it."

Calm IT?!  Calm ME!

Once outside, place it on the ground and set it free. Step away from the bat to remove yourself from its path. It will not retaliate. It is grateful to have been released."

Seriously? Who wrote this? An Animal Psychologist? 

"Eff that, " Kate says. "Where is this Karl person?"

And as if summoned on demand, Karl pulls up to the house in his truck.  We literally squeal with delight.

Karl saunters up to the top of the stairs to say hello, shit-eating grin and all. I introduce Kate.

"So, Karl," she says. "Where's your butterfly net?"

"Oh, I'm not using a butterfly net," gloats Karl. "I have a secret weapon. I called Bo."

"So Bo has a butterfly net?" Kate jabs.  I am laughing out loud on the inside (where it counts) at the image. Two grown men running around with a butterfly net in pursuit of the elusive bat. I imagine lamps crashing and chandeliers swining and much brick-a-brack on the floor in smitereens. Not to mention the swearing.

"Oh no. No butterfly net," Karl responds. "He has a gun."

A gun?  Really?  The bat's body is as big as my thumb.  It's going to be a long night.