Do Not Adjust Your TV Set

I am not the type to be rendered speechless. Ever. I've made a career out of calmly listening to outrageous statements and showing no visible reaction. When you interview people for a living, this is a skill you get to hone continuously.

Not laughing out loud when the intern says he didn't like where he was assigned so he just started working in another department on his own.

Not rolling your eyes when the candidate offers the "truth" about her termination. It wasn't about being caught in the Radiology changing room with a certain naked MRI tech, it was that the department head was jealous that she is skinny.

And coolly asking for more details, because you are going to need them, when the highly touted, highly recommended, favored candidate launches into a made-for-TV diatribe about boldly and fearlessly making such significant and necessary changes in his last job that he developed a habit of carrying a concealed AK-47 to work at all times because there were threats to his life. And casually making an undetected visual search to see if there might be a weapon under his Brooks Brothers suit even now.

But when Lars made a point of calling me specifically to tell me of his engagement, I have to admit I was standing there in the department store, with an armload of pre-teen sized garments, feeling a little naked without my homework.

When you interview strangers, you expect the unexpected. It is anticipated that some comments will figuratively make your head spin and you will have to forcibly keep it steady while you reply, "How about that! So clever. Did anyone ever find out that you were shredding your timecard to conceal the fact that you were habitually late?"

But to be completely truthful, this was news I never in a million years expected from Lars.

I know my face betrayed me. I am sure Scott noticed the stunned Holy-Shit-the- Pope's-Been-Shot look on my face. And with an audience, the show must go on, so I rallied and never missed a beat.

Without hesitation, I replied, "Really? Congratulations! Lars, that is great news. When are you getting married?" with all the feigned camaraderie I could muster.

"I don't know yet," was all he could reply. I am guessing that he expected a different reaction.

"Well good luck to you. And to Liza. Congratulations to you both."

"OK thanks. Bye." Flat. I assume he expected more drama, less Super-what-else-is-new?

I looked at Scott. A grin was widening across his face. "Aww, honey, I know you're heart broken. Last chance to get him back!"

It is clearly not THAT.

But I am not entirely sure how to label what I feel. There are so many reactions going on at once.

Is it possible to be completely and totally indifferent, yet cringing at the same time?

And I am pretty sure, replaying the brief and idiotic conversation in my head, that I detected a tone from Lars. I am pretty sure he was gloating.

I am sure he's excited. I can't deny him that. But gloating? Really? Are we nine years old? My bike's cooler than your bike? Come on!

At this stage in our divorce, in matters like this, this exchange of information should take the form of a business transaction. Tell me what matters to me because of the children, and tell me dispassionately.

I am moving and here is my address.
I am changing jobs and the impact to the child support situation is X.
I am finally getting that much needed frontal lobotomy and will need you to keep the children an extra day while the swelling goes down.

But with Lars, it is always about winning. Not in life in general. He is a world class loser and is content to remain the lowest paid graduate in his Ivy League class. But in matters that pertain to me, he is always looking to spike the ball.

And he thinks this does that?

There is a part of me that hopes that marriage to Liza will finally distract him from his preoccupation with his hatred of me. But I am still skeptical. He is still so pissed that I dumped him. My not caring that he's given his heart away to another might not quell but exacerbate that. Or maybe not. Crazy people are unpredictable.

Other than that, his message is just one more piece of SPAM in my inbox. One more article of junk mail through the mail slot. One more commercial tuned out.

On the upside, I will get miles of blog out of watching the drama unfold. Stay tuned.